I have an obsession with the motif of mirrors. No matter what I write a mirror ends up in the story somewhere if not completely revolving around it. I am not conceited, in fact I have this weird habit of squinting when I look in mirrors, I am sort of scared to look in the mirror in the morning. Wouldn’t you be? I mean who knows what a night of tossing and turning did to your hair and don’t even get me started on the possibility of a pimple showing up.
So I have this love/hate relationship with mirrors. Mirrors are like the paradox of humanity as we know it. I mean think about, we believe in things like God, that someone loves us, that a dream will come true… yet we never find it in us to believe in the person staring back at us. Why can’t we believe in ourselves if we can so easily believe in the things we never see?
I struggle with this everyday. I believe the relationship with one’s self is the hardest and the most rewarding. This relationship really blossomed for me going away to college, I came to see who I was aside from the environment in which I had been born. And no matter where I go that person staring back at me in the mirror is going to be my companion. Somedays I freak myself out, I look a little too grown up. Other days I freak myself out, I look a little like Ke$ha in the opening scene of the Tik Tok music video.
Mirrors make us stop and see how we look to the world. The mirror never really conveys the stereotypes or judgements others may have of us. The mirror is purely us seeing ourselves, with our judgements. And eventually you have to learn to let those go because you can’t see how beautiful you are if you keep believing in negative words you think up…I mean those words are internal. The external you can’t just be a “10” if the internal you is on a negative numerical ranking system.
I have found when this happens you are just left feeling completely out of whack. You have these ideals you build in your head and when they don’t match who you are in your life this happens. The same can happen where you let yourself down by imagining yourself as perfect, and finding yourself disappointed when you look in the mirror. So what should you think? What should you want to see?
Here’s the secret: There is only feature you have to worry about.
I hope the person in the mirror smiles with the same smile I knew at 5, 10, and 15. That means I’m happy. And that’s all I ever wanted to see.