the princess says.: carrie on “can you be friends with an ex?”

justmeehyun:

Later that night, I got to thinking about the ex factor.

In mathematics, we learned that ”x” stands for the unknown.
“a” plus ”b” equals ”x.”
But what’s really unknown is: what plus what equals friendship with an ex?

Is this an unsolvable equation?
Or is it possible to transform a…

the princess says.: carrie on “can you be friends with an ex?”

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Lesson Learned

It really amazes me I haven’t written on this thing since January 17th.  The truth is after that my life got very, very exciting. I had no idea how crazy things were going get.

I went through this phase of just being very unhappy, and feeling like I wasn’t quite alive but merely an image. On paper, in pictures everything looked great but inside I was so very hurt. I vividly remember what it was that hurt me. Luckily I had 5 friends to turn to, 5 girls who sat with me as I cried, 5 girls who picked up the pieces. That pain motivated me to become very introspective. I started writing in a journal, which used to be really hard for me to do. I thought it was because I didn’t like to have my innermost thoughts so exposed and accessible to any other human being. But this incident, this one incident drove me to figure out that before this moment in my life I had never truly felt anything. I know that sounds ridiculous. And yes,  we all have feelings. But for some reason this incident evoked such pain and anger in me that it was like an awakening. It changed my life in ways no one will really ever understand. 

I remember how I only found time to write in my journal right before my philosophy class. I had made myself busy with things I had to do, to keep my mind off the real problem. But in that moment I poured my heart into the journal. And the last lines of that journal entry read something to the extent of how I found it hard to imagine I would ever stop being hurt. The day after I wrote that journal entry as if God had answered a prayer the most insane and exciting thing happened. I must again be vague but I will say it was something so specific only divine intervention would have caused that to occur.  I never told anyone what the sign was, but it was something I had mentioned in my journal entry, a small fact, a small realization. 

In the months following that day I only wrote in my journal when I was angry or mad. I started being much more spontaneous and taking chances. I fell into a whole new world of people, places, and things. I met a few entertaining characters. I learned a few tough, tough lessons the hard way. But I didn’t change who I was, I simply became more open to the idea of being around people less like me.  

Through it all I had those same 5 girls who sat with me every night as I rambled on with my crazy stories. The 5 girls who never left me. The 5 girls who tried with every fiber of their being to make sure I was never hurt on the inside or outside. And they are truly the angels in my life. They are my guardians.  

I wish I could tell you the real stories behind these last few months. But I guess what’s most important is the lesson. The fact that at the end of it all I was back with those 5 girls was the lesson. They came to my rescue each time, and it amazes me how I have been blessed with these girls who are better than I deserve.  The whole time things were going on I kept thinking “what’s the lesson in this situation?” and it was only recently it hit me the lesson was that all I ever needed was right in front of me.  

So yes to catch you up, I learned a lot. I decided it’s good to be open, but only to these 5 girls, they know me best. It’s good to keep the past in the past, which is why I won’t tell the stories. It’s good to keep a journal for feelings. It’s also really good to keep your phone on loud. 

For the five girls who mean everything to me, I am so grateful. I am sorry for all the craziness, but on the bright side you’re going to have so much fun telling these stories in our senior letters! I hope to one day be at least half the friend all of you individually have been to me, not to mention as a group.